38 Days Before We Head to Wisconsin

HTP spent the entire day yesterday installing the electronic entertainment equipment into our entertainment center. I figured, "How hard can it be?". Hah! I've never seen so many wires, cords, inputs, outputs, connectors, and I have no idea what all, in my entire life. I've always known that we have five remote controls. I wouldn't be able to figure out how to play a DVD in this house if my life depended on it. This system is entirely too confusing. Heaven help me if I was expected to put it all back together with all those cords. If it takes HTP an entire day, what does the common technophob do? I understand perfectly why 12:00 flashes on the video player of the common man.

HTP and son don't need to read the instruction manual but I do and it's not even written in English anymore. French, Spanish, and something that passes for English but isn't. Who writes these things? Has this too been outsourced? If I were French or Spanish would I have similar complaints about the "translation" of the instruction manual?

None of the instruction manuals are written by the common man, for the common man anymore. Have you noticed this too? I shudder in dread when I have to read the instruction manual for a new appliance. Thankfully, the washer and dryer were pretty self-explanatory so I just left their instruction booklets in their individual wrappers and filed them in the office under "appliance information."

I have appliance information in that file for appliances that I got rid of decades ago. I really should sort that file. Instead I pack it up and move it from house to house. Have you ever noticed that once you file something in a file, you rarely touch it again? I have warranty information for my daughter's first trike! Believe me when I tell you that said trike is no longer in the garage. I looked. I don't have that old clock radio, wrist watch or banana seat bike either.

Anyway, on with my instruction manual tirade. I did have to attempt to read my new microwave and oven manuals. I tried. I'm still a bit confused but at least I can heat something up now. I finally tossed aside the manual for the dishwasher and experimented by pushing various buttons. I had to read the manual on how to work the oven so I'd know how to use the "warming drawer". It works but I have no idea what possible use that stupid rack they have in there is to anyone. Supposedly, you're supposed to be able to stack two layers of stuff to keep warm but if you do stack something on that rack, you'll get food all over the top of the compartment where you'd never be able to clean it and you'll get food on the floor where it'll be scraped off by the drawer-closing process. Interesting but messy. Thankfully, I only experimented with a baked potato. I think the rack may work for something flat. Something very flat. Tortillas maybe?

Manuals! I was talking about manuals! Last summer my father and I read the instruction manual for my new garage cabinets in Wisconsin. We finally gave up and tossed the manual when we had to undo the cabinet for the third time. Between my father, the architect, and me we finally got the thing together without the manual...which wasn't written in English. I don't think I've read any well-written manuals lately.

I understand why my mother refuses to use the cell phone. The manual on how to work the Nokia cell phone is not written in English. It's written in Translated English. I think we'd all benefit from a class on Translated English as a Second Language. My father and I (between the two of us) managed to translate the Translated English Nokia Instruction Manual but I still have to refer to my translation to remember certain functions that I don't use too often. Please don't leave me a message on the voicemail of my cell phone! The last time someone did that it took me two weeks to figure out how to listen to it. By the time I figured it out, I'd already talked to the person who left that message six times. If I don't answer the cell phone, just try to call me back later. After two years, I'm sure my cell phone is outdated. I don't intend to buy a new one anytime soon. I'm just starting to figure out how this one works. I don't want to have to read another manual.

Murphyism of the Day

Murphy's Contant

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law

1. If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.
2. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
3. If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
4. If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

Today's Little Bit of Trivia

What is a Grimalkin? Its name comes from its color, gray, plus malkin, an archaic word for cat. Scottish legend tells of this wraith, a human by day, a fierce wild panther roaming the Highlands by night. The huge gray cat has magical powers: it can also appear in the form of a hare and can disappear at will. During the Middle Ages, the name grimalkin--and cats in general--became associated with the devil and witchcraft. Women tried as witches during the 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries were often accused of having a "familiar," a devilish companion animal. What kind of animal? Usually a grimalkin.