Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? My name isn't Mary but I can say that my garden is growing just fine. I love to grow my own vegetables despite the fact that I probably spend more money doing so then if I were to go to the store and buy vegetables there. I remember one year when I grew zucchini. Lots of zucchini. I planted two 20 foot rows of the stuff. I shudder when I remember all the zucchini logs that I produced that year. There aren't enough recipes in the world for one person to use all the zucchini that came out of that garden. I've matured since then. I now have six small raised-bed gardens surrounded by a large dog kennel to keep the deer out. I plant only those few things that I really want and know that I'll still be here in Wisconsin to enjoy. I've limited myself to 3 zucchini plants which I have every hope won't take over the world. I've vowed never to plant another garden that takes over my entire life and half the neighborhood too. I have high hopes that I'll be picking and canning beans this summer. In the meantime, while we're waiting for my garden to produce spectacular yields, please enjoy the following "funny" sent to me by a friend.

Martha Stewart's Advice to Rednecks

General

-Never take a beer to a job interview.
-Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
-It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
-If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
-Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom,at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Cliche of the Day

Labor of Love. Something done out of affection or deep interest rather than for money. It is a phrase from Saint Paul (1 Thessalonians 2-3): "We give thanks to God always for you all, making mention of you in our prayers; Remembering without ceasing your work of faith and labour of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God..."